TT - The Bible According to Kids

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

- Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.




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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Happy WW

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Young and Foolish

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

What was the problem

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

TT - Cops Say the Darndest Things!

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supe! rvisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!



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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

HAPPY WW!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Did you see that?

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks. "

Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Are caterpillars good to eat?

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Finding perfect men

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Double Death!!

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?"

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Wordless Wednesdy - GUESS THE TOON!!!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

TT - She was so blonde that...

...she tripped over a cordless phone.

...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"

. ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".

...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

...she tried to drown a fish.

...she thought a quarterback was a refund.

...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".



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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

TT - The Redneck Dictionary Of Medical Terms

Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria- Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan - Searching for kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
Colic - A sheep dog.
Coma - A punctuation mark.
D&C - Where Washington is.
Dilate - To live long.
Enema - Not a friend.
Fester - Quicker than someone else.
Fibula - A small lie.


Happy TT!



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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Happy WW!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Happy WW!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Eat the watermelons

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"



He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.



The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Good News and Bad News

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"



Patient: "Well, let me have the bad news first."



Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."



Patient: "Oh no! That's just awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"





Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Thursday Thirteen - How To Please Your I.T. Department

(A quick check list for those who need to make contact)



1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.





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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Happy WW!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Mom's Present

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Airline Rage

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"

The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:

"Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!"

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.

Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"

The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.

Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

TT - Newspaper Ads

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

o Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

o A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

o Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

o For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

o For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

o Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

o Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

o Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

o Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

o We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

o No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

o For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

o Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.



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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Exam By Chance

A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Shot With a Bow

Lawyer: "Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?" Defendant: "I didn't want to wake up the children."

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

I'm the Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.



The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!"



He then taped it to his office door.



Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:





"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).


Happy Thursday Thirteen everybody!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Last will & testament of a farmer

I LEAVE:

To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments.

To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.

To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.

To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them.

To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years.

To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.

To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now.

To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough.

And lastly

To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Sarge & the new recruits

One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge.



A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities."



The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Happy WW!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Wordless Wednesday!!!!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and ...

A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible", says the doctor.

"Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.





The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "

No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."

"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Happy WW!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Custom Software

My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked.



Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?"

"Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied.

"So, what happens if you press [key combination]?"

"Nothing."

"Well, humor me. Do it for me."



"Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice.

It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Wordless Wednesday!

Happy WW!!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Thursday Thirteen - Life Lesson Laws for Engineers

Law #1: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.

Law #2: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.

Law #3: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.

Law #4: The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.

Law #5: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted.

Law #6: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.

Law #7: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.

Law #8: All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.

Law #9: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete.

Law #10: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.

Law #11: Interchangeable parts won't.

Law #12: Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.

Law #13: Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Flies on a Log

Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log" which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.

The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.

Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff.

The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away.

"Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast."

Diana's faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened.

"Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

When I Was Your Age

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.



Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.



Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.



To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.



They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.



After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."



With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.





The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

TT - Thoughts on Aging

- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

- You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

- Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

- You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

- Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

- A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

- You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.



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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Reading of the Will

The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.

"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Saving All The Seats

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]