TT - Think About It...

- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

- If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

- If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

- Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

- Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

- To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.

- Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger.

- A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.

- Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.



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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Clocks

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move." "Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's my congressman's clock?" asked the man.

"It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan!"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

TT - The Bible According to Kids - II

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

- Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.

- Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

- St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.

- He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".

- It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

- The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.

- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

- One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

- A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.



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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

No Tail Light

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Young and Foolish

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Did you see that?

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks. "

Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

TT - The Bible According to Kids

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

- Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.




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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Happy WW!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Are caterpillars good to eat?

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Wordless Wednesday!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Wordless Wednesdy - GUESS THE TOON!!!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Happy WW!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Happy WW!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Happy WW

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

TT - Thoughts on Aging

- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

- You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

- Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

- You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

- Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

- A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

- You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.



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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

TT - Deep Thoughts about Pigs & Sheep

- Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?

- Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?

- If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?

- If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?

- If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it?

- If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?

- What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'?

- What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

- Why can't pigs look up into the sky?

- Why do pigs have curly tails?

- Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?

- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

- Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?



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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

TT - She was so blonde that...

...she tripped over a cordless phone.

...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"

. ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".

...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

...she tried to drown a fish.

...she thought a quarterback was a refund.

...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".



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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

What was the problem

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Flies on a Log

Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log" which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.

The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.

Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff.

The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away.

"Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast."

Diana's faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened.

"Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

TT - The Many Uses of Coca-Cola

In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.

To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coke into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.

The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.

The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Drink up!




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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Double Death!!

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?"

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Reading of the Will

The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.

"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Happy WW

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

George and Moses

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness".

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Finding perfect men

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

TT - The Redneck Dictionary Of Medical Terms

Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria- Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan - Searching for kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
Colic - A sheep dog.
Coma - A punctuation mark.
D&C - Where Washington is.
Dilate - To live long.
Enema - Not a friend.
Fester - Quicker than someone else.
Fibula - A small lie.


Happy TT!



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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

TT - Cops Say the Darndest Things!

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supe! rvisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!



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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

TT - Newspaper Ads

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

o Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

o A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

o Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

o For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

o For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

o Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

o Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

o Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

o Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

o We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

o No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

o For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

o Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.



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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

HAPPY WW!

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]

Happy WW

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[Source: The JOKES Blog]